I am sitting in a Panera, utilizing their free wi-fi. (It is nice wi-fi, too, and free. Most importantly free.) I am still a little tired from driving here from Cashville on four hours of sleep, at five in the morning. I am never awake at five in the morning and I almost fell asleep at nine-thirty on the interstate outside of Atlanta. Luckily the traffic is always terrible in this city, and I was required to be very awake to navigate the lanes. I will not be making such a drive again. But I left in the still darkness and filled up my car in Murfreesboro for $1.47 a gallon and watched the sun rise as I traveled east. I had my sister's Twilight soundtrack CD to keep me company and the warmth of the December air. (Seriously, it's been in the sixes and seventies. In December. For most of December.)

I had to work at the gym and arrived a scant two minutes late in the parking lot for my shift. Ki, one of the personal trainers, had assembled a mostly vegan brunch for myself and my coworker, which was incredibly sweet and a lovely meal after my ride. I worked, went to Lottie's for an hour and a half, and went to babysit L and C. They were surprisingly good. I ate an entire small Mellow Mushroom pizza with black olives and sundried tomatoes and basil, and they shared a half cheese and half pepperoni. It was very nice to be paid to go out and eat a $12 pizza. (I maintain they should not charge me so much if I do not ask for cheese, but no one has ever asked my opinion on this.) I put the kids to bed and fell asleep for a little part of House. Then their parents got home and I went to Lot's and fell asleep for real, until 9:45, when I got up to go babysit L and C again, from 10:30 to 4:20. It was a low-key day, with much television, three rounds of Pretty Princess, and almost an hour outside enjoying the weather. I was also treated to the vegan waffles in their freeze (or, rather, treated myself). Then I went to the cinema with the intention of seeing Twilight. (Despite my enormous dislike of the message of the series and its insipid writing and shallow character develop and ridiculous plot, I nonetheless slightly enjoyed the movie). However, they weren't playing it at the theater I went to, and thus I decided to enjoy some internet time. Which led to me sitting in Panera, checking up on things and uploading Christmas morning onto my new Flickr account and blogging about all of it.

One of the blogs I read features a lady who has taken it upon herself to take one picture of something every day at the same time. I wonder what kind of carrying case she has for her camera. Not the kind I have, I suspect. But I thought that the once-a-day idea was clever and I will endeavor to make a list of things I should do every day as well.

The first thing on my list will be to get more than four hours of sleep.

beautiful numbers and letters

3.92.

Three As and one A-.

WHAT

This is a different kind of happiness. More soothing, more stable. Gives me an undisputed place in the world. I work. My success in this endeavor depends largely on my skill rather than the whims of personality and circumstances, though circumstances certainly do play a role in employment. I am going to be Editor-in-Chief and I am so proud to think those words. A dawning awareness that I will likely succeed in feeding and clothing myself--and beyond—is trickling down to my conscience. I have the tools to live a satisfying American life, as defined by me. I am aware that I will fail sometimes, but will unlikely fall far enough to necessitate moving to my parents’ house. I think back to the other times I have failed and realize that they were gifts. The RA job in particular comes to mind.
I am sitting in the same house, on the same couch, as I did barely four months ago and my world has shifted again. Being on my own gives me clarity, and a degree of narcissism while I’m by myself, but what else is there to think about when I am alone? I put too much of myself into relationships too early, and I’ve gained a lot of wisdom from last year, but I also know how easy it is to toss every morsel of knowledge and understanding when she is in the room. I am wondering about my future. The next month is planned out but uncertain—it is a challenge to be as independent as I wish to be. I have never navigated a Christmas break here before; I have never navigated so much temporary housing. It’s interesting.
I think that is what I will remember about this semester, and probably this year, and possibly the next two years: the transitions. Sleeping in different beds and playing with different kids and sitting in different fabulously expensive houses and driving home at midnight; one; two; three; four in the morning. Clutching hundred dollar checks for spending five hours in a renovated meat packing plant with a Chihuahua puppy and kids disinterested in authority. I am phone calls to parents and endless hours of On Demand television and doing laundry in Brooks’ house. My home is cramped and temporary but I miss it. I have decided it is probably prudent to cease buying possessions and to live in the dorms—wherever I go from here, it will require a move. And moves are fucking expensive.
I am glad for work and going home in less than a week. I like being alone, and I love being away from campus (if I could just carve out my suite and take it away, it would be lovely), but I turn into an unhappy camper without friends. As one should.

And also Disney's Enchanted is as cute as a button. About as predictable, but if I can get through a Disney movie without being critical of its ideas of gender roles, that's somethin'.

Plus that girl is adorable.

Also, Ra called and informed me that I am one of the (or the, don't remember) most requested babysitters she has. :)

Way to make a girl feel all tingly. At this point last year, I felt high as a kite because of a crush. This year, it's because I've worked to accomplish good grades and a good rapport among the families for whom I babysit. It is more satisfying to feel a high from option a than option b. :)

on being nomadic

I am sitting in the living room in the house I used to live in over the summer. A lot of things have changed. The coffee table holds the TV and there is no coffee table. The entire house smells like cologne. The bathtub has grown hair and an ashtray, which was filled until D emptied it (I presume). The kitchen is a god-awful wreck. (On second thought, this last statement was probably true when I lived here, too, but I hadn't had a semester of living with G and M then.) Most importantly, none of my stuff is here, and I'm sleeping on the couch while my bedroom is empty, waiting on a sublet who won't come until after I leave. I paid L twenty bucks for letting me stay here for three days, which I consider a little over the top. She's a lot more distant than when we were here together.

I would have offered her the fucking empty bedroom.

I digress, however. It's certainly interesting being essentially a fly on the wall to their lives. I worked out living arrangements with the family for whom I babysit frequently, so I'll go from here tonight to (maybe) B's house tomorrow, then definitely B's house for the weekend, then to my parents' house, then to the F's house, then to Portland, then finally back to my own home.

My friends always act surprised when I tell them that I hate traveling. This is a fact. I hate sleeping where other people have slept--it just has a weird vibe. I hate not being able to control my own schedule, which I suspect is the major cause of my dislike of traveling and will probably ease now that I have no parents dictating a schedule for everyone. I don't like figuring out where I am and (newly) working my schedule around other people's ability to be home. I really, really hate the smell of cologne.

But it's interesting. Now that I've been single lo these seven months in a city in which I have lived a year, with the closest friend at this point a good thirty minutes away, I'm relying more on myself. I can't travel with my room, so I travel with my cellphone, laptop, and iPod instead. I fill my days with work--which I find very satisfying. I got out of spin class on the Tuesday I left school and called the Fs to confirm a job for them the next day, called Brooks to confirm a job the next and to get instructions for that day, and called L to figure out when she was gonna be home. I worked for B until I had to leave to go to the other babysitting job. The secret to filling a person-void in your life is to fill it up with other people. And, of couse, with the real and valid satisifaction of doing a job for which you get paid quite a lot.

I woke up at 6:45 this morning after going to sleep at about one. Luckily C was sick, because I was definitely drifting in and out of The Little Mermaid, Ratatouille, and whatever else we watched. She was sweet, though, and we had fun at lunch. And of course, when her mom got home, I got housing. God bless the nanny profession. I really enjoy having a real house in which to spend my time. Maybe it's not so terrible that I live in a dorm and have limited ability to decorate it.

But oh how I miss it. I love how clean we are. I love that it's MY stuff. I like having my own closet and my own key. I like reliable internet I am legally allowed to access. I love the company--even though we spat occasionally, we also spend the wee hours of the morning dancing around to *NSYNC.

I am rethinking graduate school. I shouldn't get a Ph.D unless I really want to go into a profession that needs it. I want to be in publishing. (And I am now Co-Assistant Editor-in-Chief of the paper. Yeah, that's right. Say it fives times fast.) That's a MS/MA, or a BA, easily. And Portland is calling. But it is so very far away... I am looking forward to this trip. By the time January 6th rolls around, youth hostel housing should be a snap and a half.

EDIT: I have three solid As this semester (not sure what the fourth one is yet, but it pulled up my GPA to the point where I'm pretty sure everything's gonna be okay), got the Editor-in-Chief job for next year, have money, am taking a trip to the city I love reading about, definitely have housing as of three minutes ago, and currently have the gift of alone time.

Tomorrow I will be able to shower, shave, and pick up my Netflix. As much as it terrors me to write this, because things that go up always must go down, life is going pretty well at the moment.

I don't write as much as I need to. I think writing's important. A generation of queer ladies have helped me realize myself via blogs, and while I don't think anyone reads this now, it's important for me to see from where I come. I've disassociated from my past--which probably is a good thing--but I tend to recall myself as silly. Naive. Inferior. I am usually the first two things but not the third. My new experiences do not make me superior to my old self. I am me because those things happened and I reacted in those ways.

With that said, I babysat until 4:15 a.m. last night (this morning?). I sat shivering in their driveway for at least five minutes, without a coat, wishing that my car would heat up sooner and melt the thin sheen of ice on my windshield. Everything in my car was cold. I made it home just past 5:00 a.m. When I walked into the building a drunk guy upset the cigarette trash can and then told me I was hot. I went upstairs and stared at myself in the bathroom and then climbed (literally) into bed. I couldn't sleep. My body was exhausted and my mind would not stop flitting from one thought to another. I fell asleep and dreamed about my ex. I woke up freezing. I dreamed about her again and woke up. I dreamed about crazy things. I woke up and peed. I dreamed that I went into an art store before my shift at the gym and they offered me a job and I bought a piece of art work separated into five pieces, with a big one on the left of bananas, and four smaller ones on the right. One was a weird drawing of an odd couple. I woke up, got ready, and went to the Publix. The line was too long to deposit my paychecks, so I went to work and came back. I ordered Chinese and it was delicious. I bought soy pudding at Publix and that was pretty excellent as well. I took Amanda to the train station and went to babysit. I played hide and seek with the girls, and I Spy. We colored on their chalkboard. S bit my clothes and put on my shirt and in general was crazy like she always is. They pulled down my shirt and wanted to see my breasts. I told them no ma'am. We watched The Backyardigans and iCarly and then they went to sleep. C was up coughing for a good part of the night and I was watching The DaVinci Code so it was a little scary to walk upstairs to check on her but I did it anyway. Their moms came home ten minutes into To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. We talked--it's always fun to talk with them. We share the same politics and parenting viewpoints and sexuality. I enjoy being around adults. We graduated to hugging today. I see this going good places.

R is not here and I miss her. My knees ache a little bit. I am worried about the pressure in the back of my head. My mom has been looking up camera details for forever and we discussed which one I should get. I am excited about Christmas and looking forward to going home to see my family. Couchsurfing is looking more and more a possibility since L hasn't gotten back to me yet. Ah well! I can always ask B or perhaps the lady who lives in Kennesaw. (...hopefully not!)

To Do List on the First Sunday Since the Beginning of the Semester I Have Had Zero Requirements to Put My Body in a Certain Place at a Certain Time for Money

~laundry
~clean room
~do dishes
~spin at 4:45
~write poems for Monday
~call to confirm couchsurfing
~giftswap! wrap dem gifts.
~try on spin shoes at REI

Monday will be my poem turn-in. Tuesday I find out if I got Assistant Editor-in-Chief, and possibly some grades, and I have to leave the dorm by 11 a.m. (But no check-out! God bless my nonconfrontational ex.) Wednesday I find out the rest of my grades (yikes) and hopefully have somewhere to stay. I only need a place for eight or nine days... surely I can figure out something.

the parking lot is looking a bit empty...

School is out! I am extremely excited that this semester has ended. It has been a pretty good one academic-wise (hopefully--I'm still waiting on two of my grades), and a pretty shitastic one in terms of my personal life. Don't date on small campuses! And then don't live in the same building as your ex. Especially the same one in which you lived with her when you were dating. And then don't live on her hallway after you break up. And then pretend not to care when she dates the RA on the floor above yours. And that it doesn't matter that your window overlooks the parking lot and you see them together ALL THE TIME. Yeah, it's been fun. But I have survived it and single life is not that terrible. It allows for what I like to call "Financially Rewarding Friday Nights" or "Making a Shit Ton of Money on Weekends Babysitting for Wealthy Families." It is a lucrative practice, I assure you. Also, most, if not all, of the kids for whom I sit are adorable and well-mannered, so I enjoy it. Plus, they go to bed at outrageous times (when's the last time you went to bed at seven-thirty?), and most people seem to care a lot about their HBO and SHO. God bless you, ON DEMAND. So I am going to enjoy my groceries and my trip to Portland, courtesy of my singleness. 

In other news, I have successfully stuck to an exercise regime for an entire semester, a feat unheard of at casa de me. I am planning to ramp up said regime next semester, courtesy of me planning my class schedule around the spin classes at the YMCA. I have terrific leg muscles (which I cannot name properly, forgive me) which I hope to develop further, and a slowly developing core buried underneath some insulation, which I hope to remove in time for warmer weather. I have also rediscovered minimizer bras, which help to further the illusion that I do not have giant bags of tissue chilling in my chestacular area. 

Implanon out. Period imminent. I do not recall this tenderness, nausea, or host of other unhappy symptoms I seem to have this time around. Hopefully this is merely my body admonishing me this one time and everything will stop hurting soon. ...Yeah, right.

I watched a Rachel Maddow program for the first time today and I am addicted. I had seen snippets before, but this time I was able to catch half of her program. Hopefully it is available on the Apple tyrannical source of music, videos, and other media, because I think I require more of her in my life.

Ramika has gone off to New Orleans to judge some tournament. We both interviewed for the Co Editor in Chief position (assistant next semester, full blown for the next two years). It went well for me, and I assume it went well for her also, but our competition is a lot more talented than we thought. Ultimately, we are older than they are and have been on the staff longer, but experience isn't everything. Luckily Ramika and I are talented and well-herstoried already in the business of school newspapers, so hopefully things will go the way we want them to. If not, neither one of us have a shot at Editor in Chief because they are both freshmen and will be Editor in Chief until the year after we graduate. I do not wish to contemplate this possibility so hopefully the email we receive on Tuesday will indicate that we got the position. I will be checking my internet like a maniac that day. Also grades come out that day. I should plan for drinks or massages or something.

My housing for the break isn't solidified either, so I am really, really hoping that I am not looking at a three day stint at home, followed by a weekend here, followed by a weekend there, followed by... a lot of money in gas, that's what. Also I need to change the oil in my car. So many 'sponsibilites. 

Tegan and Sara singing (a part of) Flock of Seagull's "I Ran" is possibly the greatest song ever.

It's 3 a.m. and I must be lonely

We have a prospie coming to spend the night tomorrow (today), and I have suddenly evolved into a mad cleaning lady. I believe I spent at least ten minutes cleaning out the microwave. (And it did indeed require ten minutes of cleaning because I failed to put a paper towel over the bowl of black bean soup I heated a couple of days ago. Talk about crap inside your microwave.) I put away the skillet and the toaster oven, cleaned the counters, swept the floors, washed the water-collecting portion of the dishrack (the brown spots were, unfortunately, mold and not food--glad that's gone), swept my bedroom, organized the bottom of my closet, cleaned up the miscellanous papers on my desk, updated all of my dry erase boards, threw a knife in the paper bag I'm taking to help set up the newspaper Christmas party tomorrow, and just generally made everything look better. I wasn't able to vacuum, which was immensely unsatisfying, but I'll get to that tomorrow. I'm skipping my last day of Core, which may or may not spare me the pain of receiving my test grade (I doubt this).

I'm glad that Christmas break is almost here; it was very nice to get away for Thanksgiving and realize all of my hangups about my ex are indeed a result of being in the same space as she is and not any weird, obsessive attitude I have towards her in general. Our relationship seems like it was quite a long time ago, but the time we spent in each other's company after that isn't quite so distant. So I'm still slogging through this, but I think the end is in sight. (After all, graduation is only five months away.) I'm putting my self-sufficient, independent, single hard hat on this dating business. Women are kinda bitches.

I'm also thinking a lot about Portland, but such a move is hugely impractical, particularly if I were to live here for real, off campus. I would essentially buy a lot of stuff and end up selling it two years later. So maybe chilling at the dorms for a little while isn't so bad. I believe I may apply for an RA position again, but we'll see how that goes. I'm reluctant to try again because I have already been rejected once, and I don't particularly like who's running the show, but I am all about free living. Plus, I really would like to be an RA. Mine helped me out last year a lot, and the rooms are sah-weet. I just cannot live in my current building again. I'd rather live in freshman housing.

And I don't know quite what I want to do when I get out of here, either. That scares me. I think that's why I've been so obsessed with housing on Craigslist lately; a) I do indeed get things stuck in my craw and b) I'm anxious about my ability to make a living. But I know I can do it, even if it's not my ideal job. I've always been afraid that I wouldn't be able to provide for myself, but that fear is fading away more and more. I'm ridiculously independent and am not afraid of working a lot. (When you work more you have less time to spend the money you make... true story.)

I have inductions on Sunday and a few more signatures to get, but the end is definitely in sight. I might be able to get three of the ones I need tomorrow and then I'll just have two to grab before Sunday chapter. Lovely.

My goal is to live a low-drama life currently. I have found that I can accomplish this by a) staying away from sororities and b) surrounding myself with low/no-drama people. This stratgedy works fucking wonders.

In other news, I had my birth control removed and have not morphed into a crazy bitch, which is lovely. We have Editor-in-Chief interviews next week, and while I think that we are the logical choice since we simply have more experience, I am worried and am going to go over the game plan with RG. We talk endlessly about what we can do to improve the paper, so I think we'll suceed in that as well, but originally only one other girl applied, and now two have. They are co-editors like we are. RG and I will fight if necessary--we are a formidable twosome--but I'd rather not resort to violence. We make an excellent team.

I am fairly certain my grades will be as follows: A, A, A-, and... I am not sure about this fourth grade and that doesn't make me a happy camper. Right now it's an A-, but God knows what I made on this past test. Probably a -30.

Speaking of grades, I am seriously considering taking a year off between undergrad and grad school. At first I thought that was silly, but I no longer believe that. I will see how I feel between subsequent semesters, but that is seeming like a more realistic possiblity.

I am tired and my tummy is in constant revolt against me. (My fault for the kale and beans.) We'll see how this spring goes.

Also I am officially not a teenager in a month.

After I posted that last bit, we stayed up until one in the morning singing and dancing to the Backstreet Boys and 'NSYNC. Yeah, we did.

I recruited Ramika to hold my hand while I got my Implanon out today. The doctor, who was very nice, couldn't get the fucker to poke out of my arm long enough to grab it, which sucked. Me, reclining in a chair for ten minutes, talking to Ramika in a very high voice and pretending something truly gross-looking was not happening to my body. Occasionally I would feel the blood run down my arm. Awesome. But then it was over and Blaik and I went to go get food, which was yummy, and then Grey's came on. I am not a fan of this bizarro Denny comeback. In general, I believe dead characters should stay dead. I made an exception for Buffy (duh), the few moments in the hospital when Denny brushes by Izzie, and, of course, the brief return of Dana. But, seriously people. If you like a character, don't kill him or her off unless you have the Scooby Gang to bring her back.

I am tired and glad I get to go out of town for a few days.

Also I got a 98 on my Core test OH YEAH

I live with Mo, Gr, and Ra. Mo works two jobs: nannying during the week and working at PB on the weekends. She has worked at PB for a couple of years and she is pretty much perfect for that job, although she wishes more straight boys worked there/in the vicinity. She also babysits occasionally on the weekends, particularly for her sister.

Gr works at the museum here at school and at Pear. Gr is pretty perfect for Pear as well. She gets tired of customer service, like all other sane people, but she likes it. She plays Guitar Hero in the breakroom during her lunch.

Ra works at the Writing Center at school. She is especially gifted in the areas of philosophy and communication. She also goes all over the state on weekends with her boyfriend and they judge debate tournaments, since they are brilliant debaters. Next semester she is waking up at the asscrack of dawn to go tutor kids thirty minutes away and making quite a bit of money in the process.

I work in the Writing Center as well. I am good at grammar, sarcasm, and acting aloof. I am technically a nanny during the week, but have been regulated to three hours a week, no kids, and lots of laundry and groceries. I also work at the gym on Saturdays and babysit a few families fairly regularly. I am good at shopping for rich people and scanning ID cards when people arrive at the gym. Incidentally, once we had a five year old kid doing my exact job at the gym and he was pretty awesome at it. I vote they hire him but buy a bigger chair, which they will be able to afford because he will work for free until his attention span runs out.

Mo, Ra, Gr and I live in a room that is impeccably clean. This had not always been the case. Gr and Mo had to stage a couple of interventions and I had to get over my feelings of inadequacy and mellowness (in order to return to my natural control-freak self), but now our room is gorgeous. Spotless. You will be able to eat off the floor when we implement our radically awesome Chore List soon. The only things missing are animals, but unfortunately I am not up for sneaking more rats into my home and then having to find them different homes when they are discovered, so we are currently petless. (Also I moved my fridge into my room recently and it looks very nice, if I do so say myself.)

We watch a lot of TV. Gr and Ra are TV-watchers. Actually, they are more TV-listeners. Ra hates it when it's quiet and always has to have some sort of distraction going on, which is usually Bravo reality shows or House. Gr is deaf and so when she escapes the room (as she does when we watch Jon and Kate Plus Eight), we can always hear her show blaring. It's cute because our TV is louder. Mo and I prefer to listen to music, but she is more partial to the TV than I am. Ironic, because I actually own the TV, and it is quite a nice TV, designed for me to have it for roundabout a decade. I like to watch movies. Mo is my let's-watch-guy-shows friend. Although she and Gr have populated our TV stand with DVDs almost exclusively of the rom-com variety (which I used to enjoy making fun of, but they don't hold with that so I usually just sit there quietly and loathe it to myself and telepathically to Ra), she loves The Boondock Saints. Last year, we watched it three days in a row. It was awesome. I miss having people who know what the Terminator movies are all about. I don't like gruesome movies, but sometimes I just need to see Keanu Reeves kick Mr. Smith's ass instead of macking on someone at a lake house.

We never go anywhere. We are all pretty antisocial and all our closest friends live less than ten feet away. We are working on this. Mo is moving out next semester and I do not know what our living arrangements will be, what with that realization and RA positions (today I realized how good it was that I didn't get that position last year) and me trying to get out of my housing contract. So we'll see.

We like indirect lighting and turn the florescents on only for cooking or Al opening presents. We have three lamps in our main room and at least one in each of our closet-rooms. My favorite lighting is my Christmas string lights. They are pretty awesome, although when I'm going to sleep I have to lean over the end of my bed and stretch towards the wall to rip the plug out of the socket. Other than that oversight, they are groovy.

I decorate our room when people have birthdays with my birthday sign. The first time I put it up, Ra's mom saw it from the outside and thought someone was pregnant. Although the sign does have letters on bib-like felt, it does in fact say Happy Birthday to people who are already legal citizens. I love birthdays and holidays so I always try to make their birthdays special. I made Ra an Oreo/pudding/frosting cake that gave us all headaches and I bought Mo two-bite cupcakes for hers. I bought candles for both of them and have probably already misplaced Ra's. Gr thinks I am somewhat contradictory in this sense because I am not a traditonal person, but my mom always made me feel special on my birthday and I try to pass that on to the people in my life.

Christmas is coming up and although we procrastinate on almost everything else, we are not present-buying procrastinators. I am not sure about the gift-status of everyone in the suite, but my educated guess is that everyone knows what she is getting almost every single person on her list, it if isn't already bought, wrapped, and stuck in an Anthropologie bag under her bed. I am looking forward to our gift swap immensely.

All of my suitemates are in a sorority, and I finally joined a fraternity this fall. I really like it--it is much more low-key than their sorority and I have a lot of fun with my pledge sisters and brother. We are planning a party for our bigs right now and I am taking charge. I like taking charge because I am anal. I am going to make my big sister's gift and I think it will be very cute.

Speaking of being anal, I am no longer allowing myself to ride with other people in their cars if I am paying attnetion to their driving. I always think we are going to crash because I am not in control. I know that does not say good things about my unfortunate desire to control things around me, but there you go. I usually have to shut my eyes or pretend that I have my own brake.

Gr drives a silver Golf and it suits her quite well. Ra drives an old white Honda, but it usually drives her--crazy, that is. She is getting used to this whole driving business, and in this city, that is commendable. Mo's car is a 2 door silver Honda. She likes it except for the 2 door part. I drive a Scion xA and it is my dream car, although I know to never buy a car with black seats again. I often have wet dogs in my car and you can tell from the nose marks. I park like a fiend in that car. It is Yaris-sized.

Like our dorm.

I'm glad that it's fall.

I rearranged my room. I like being in here now. the energy is much, much better. pictures later maybe.

I visited my family and realized I miss them a lot a lot. reconsidering cashville, but who knows. I'm not too far.

gonna volunteer at the buddhist cafe tomorrow. will see how that goes. should be interesting. I don't remember whether I said I'd show up at 11 or 11:30, so 11 it is.

I slept over at B's last night--she's out of town for four days. I read Twilight (fundamentally dislike) until I fell asleep at ten-thirty. I woke up at ten. I cannot remember the last time I had that much sleep, but I guess I needed it.

fall makes me think of vampire stuff, I guess, because I'm on a kick now.

I love lounging around in my towel. love it.

I really miss having my own place. not alone. but my own place. my kitchen, where I make vegan stuff (or, more accurately, assemble vegan stuff, because I don't cook). I want to make spaghetti and maybe I will make that for my dinner tonight at Brooks'. I'm trying not to buy food so much anymore because I'm gonna need to pay for my insurance soon and I'm always worried about money even when I have it. passively not actively right now.

I'm going to attempt to secure myself an internship. god help me. who knows where I can cram that in? I do not.

for once I had absolutely nothing to do yesterday. i went to class for fifty minutes and that was it. crazy. I was really bored. I kinda wanted to go on a date. but I didn't know anyone who would go on a date with me, so instead I went to McDonald's and bought two apple pies (apparently vegan) and got kinda nauseated.

B's bed is fantastic but I'm not used to pillows and my neck kinda hurt.

I'm thinking about upping my times per week that I work out, but God knows when that might occur. Fridays seem open. And Monday is my last Womanism class. I'm sad that the class is going to end but really happy to recover my 8:25-10:45 hours of the night. Jon and Kate Plus Eight comes on at eight on Monday, dontcha know.

Now I'm gonna get ready for working at the gym. Only working there once a week and the pay is nice every other Friday. Need to fill out my paperwork for the Writing Center so's I can get paid for that, too.

As an aside...

Today Ian told Mom he wanted Barack Obama (he pronounced his name correctly, too) to win.

Mom: What do you know about that? Why do you want him to win?

Ian: Because he's the first.

Mom: Well, what about McCain?

Ian: He's usually fifth.

I habor hope that I will no longer be the only Democrat in the family.

Summer's over, kids.

As evidenced by non-blogging, school is back, and with it whole host of Things for Me to Do. I'm working three jobs, joined a service fraternity, starting to volunteer at the World Peace Cafe, writing papers, going to class, not having a functioning laptop (hence my resolve to never again buy a Dell), dealing with girl drama, and going to spin class three times a week. I love almost of all of it, and today has been a particularly full day. I like having so much to do--it's never been my style before, but I'm adjusting to it pretty well. It's nice to feel like I've accomplished something when I go to sleep.

Later I will post some of my happy full days. Now I am going to observe the technician man call my phone and summarily fix my computer, then I will go to class, get sustenance, and work on mah papers.

I like blogs with beautiful pictures and working jobs untouched by corporate soulessness.

i wonder how much happier I would be working for owners who opened their own dream cafe and who were there all the time. all of these people with their non traditional jobs or own businesses who are making it in life, make me wonder what my goals are when i leave school. makes me wonder how much i really believe you need that boring nine-to-five to survive. or for me to feel comfortable financially. i'm not even thinking of supporting a family, but maybe one day I will want little cute drooling loud babies at my house, of the human variety. right now I'm just sad I have to give up candace. i probably won't find a home for her and that just sucks so much for her.

maybe I'll post on craigslist again. who knows if that will help.

Tami told me tonight that she told her kids not to look for a life partner; she said that it makes you lower your standards. which is often true. she says if it's meant to be, it will happen. which I actually believe. people like my coworker d, he's not in any sort of position to have a girlfriend. he's too unhappy with his life. and he wants one so badly.

so maybe I'm okay with waiting. and baking a little more. and getting more tattoos. I've been thinking about taking more pictures, maybe eventually looking into photography as a hobby. I made sunflower earrings and grape earrings last night. the former ones especially didn't turn out that great, but I'm learning. I have a tendency to WAY OBSESS over something and then never do it, and I'm glad that isn't the case with these earrings, because they are super fun and easy to make. I need to start sewing again. I found all of this amazing fabric online, and I hope I can find somewhere here that sells good fabric, because there are some things you just don't want to buy on the internet. making stuff just requires a sudden bout of inspiration. my next projects are gonna be to make one of my sarongs into a handkerchief skirt, sew up the tiny orange dress/sun sarong questionable item into a skirt, and hopefully, at some point, make a dress. I cannot buy most commericially made dresses because they just do not sell size 11 dresses with 34DDD cups. (I hope the boob measurement does not significantly increase the traffic on this site... jesus.)

in conclusion, I am moving out in exactly two weeks (panic!), and I have had a good summer. it's been mostly full of making money, spending money, getting over L (with a low degree of success, but I'm feeling pretty good about it now), changing my food habits, taking spinning class irregularly, juicing, being lonely, having trivia/Not Grey's nights, fabulous nights at Mo's aunt's condo, getting to bond with another soul hippie sister, sweet kitties named Candace who just need a hippie mama to love on them, and learning that I manage quite well on my own.

So my housemates think that they are either pregnant or HIV positive, fairly seriously. They are having mucho bad scares right now. It sort of puts my whole damn-I-am-not-getting-any thing into perspective.

I have also decided that it is high time for me to stop looking on the interwebs for two things: windows into other people's lives because I'm not doing anything interesting with mine at the moment, and girlfriends. Right now, to use a Buffy analogy, I need to bake some more as me, sans another person. It's okay if that time is short. I am just going to try to use this as an experience to come more into my own. I've been in a relationship the majority of the time I've been at college (only for a month was I single and uninterested in anyone else), so maybe now would be a good time to firmly establish my friendships and have a little more introspection with myself, without anyone else. It might be interesting to note, though, that I feel I have changed less with this breakup than any others, but that might just be time talking. I guess maybe I feel like I haven't been as constrained into being the same person throughout the duration of the relationship? I dunno. I'm rambling. I want to go to spin class or smoke. I shouldn't have eaten those four Oreos with frosting, fer sure, but the kale and apple juice was a good choice when I got home tonight at ten.

I am looking forward to many experiences this year, but no matter how helpful I might feel, I hope procuring my housemate an abortion is not one of them.

Yesterday night, I decided I was no longer in love with L.

Today, driving to work, I had this bizarre conviction that we were, at some point, going to get back together, in some form. At this point, I'm going to chalk that up to the fact that Amanda talked about L glaring at her (supposedly) while she was drinking coffee outside, and that we might actually be friends someday. I'm not a good ex, but I think I don't want her totally out of my life forever. Just for now.

I really would like a lady in my life. If you couldn't tell.

I went to Macy's at Lenox to pick up my butch-tastic dressy vest (the cool kind, not the eighties kind). While in the parking lot, I fell because it was raining and I was wearing flip-flops. My dress got soaked, my new tattoo got smacked on the tarmac, and my iPod fell out in the rain. Everything (including my iPod) was okay, though.

I freaked out after I got my tattoo but it's growing on me. I should have gotten it done in a shade of brown, or maybe made it look like a dog had stepped in paint and then frolicked up my leg, but I like it more. I got a compliment on it today. I am deciding it is cute. And I want another one.

It is tax-free weekend here, which explained the CRAZY line outside of Apple.

I want to go to spin class because I am excited about going back to school (except the L part, but whatever).

I watched Shortbus and I really, really liked it. And now I'm listening to Jay Brannan and I like him bunches. Especially "Housewife." I like gay people.

I saw a girl who looked a little like Lauren from high school sitting on a bench when I was walking through the mall. She was looking uncomfortable and amused at this guy who was talking to her. She was hot and I wished I knew how to signal her over to me so she would be capulated into a more satisfying social situation and hopefully she was gay. Or that my orange paisley dress and Beatles shirt and peapod earrings and flowered headscarf would magically turn her onto girls. Specificially, me.

My mom doesn't feel good so I'm going to see if I can make her a playlist and mail it to her to make her feel better.

Been watching a lot of Batman Beyond, in celebration and nostalgia for The Dark Knight.

Had a fantastic time at the beach, but will blog when beach trip is further off in my mind.

Tattoo Wednesday.

I...
am a dirty granola hippie.
worry and overanalyze a lot of things.
like folk music.
am happiest in a tie-dye skirt, bare feet, and a T-shirt.
am a grammar nerd.
love cats, especially my foster kitty, Candace.
never want to live by myself.
wish I had the discipline to learn the guitar.
am learning to become more assertive.
don't like to mess with my hair.
like apple and kale juice.
don't eat meat, eggs, or dairy.
am not a crazy vegan.
am very loyal.
am a people pleaser, but I'm developing a tougher skin.
spend too much time on the internet.
can't have houseguests without going crazy.
am a control freak about my stuff and my schedule.
listen to songs on repeat.
love my family, especially now we don't live together.
appreciate my family much more than I ever have before.
never liked being a kid.
think the powerlessness of being a kid is far less desirable than the duties of an adult.
realized the definition of an adult: doing stuff one doesn't want to do.
want to become more physically active and take up kayaking.
love spin class.
have Clap Your Hands Say Yeah's "Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away" as my ringtone.
am bisexual, but currently only want to date women (one at a time).
always fell fast and hard. I'm learning to take it more slowly.
like nose piercings.
am getting e. e. cumming's "Buffalo Bill's/defunct" tattooed on my back in a couple of weeks.
am also getting paw prints on my left foot when my housemate finds the money to get her foot tattooed, too.
like tattoos a lot, but found out people who choose to post pictures of theirs online typically have bad ones.
hope I don't pass out when getting the tattoo after talking about my high pain tolerance.
do have a pretty high pain tolerance, though.
revert to a Southern accent when I'm mad, tired, or speaking really quickly.
have a secret disdain for Northern accents that haven't originated from New York.
want be a Women/Gender Studies professor and never leave academia.
am sort of an academic snob.
almost failed basic math last semester.
am a big sister to my lovely little sister, Michelle, and my adorable little brother, Ian.
am three and a half years older than my sister, and fourteen and half years older than my brother.
never want to have a baby, but might consider adoption... one day.
am learning to listen to myself.

I think I am in need of some loose-fitting, cargo pants and capris.

And that e. e. cummings poem tattooed on my back, yeah.

So, after perusing the Craigslist women for women ads, 99.9% of which consisted of women telling each other how good they are at sex, I figure I'm a pretty good candidate for this Heather chick.

But we'll see.

Pride Weekend Recap - Or How I Am a Subpar Hostess

Thursday night, Lottie and I went to MJQ and danced at Fuck Yesss, the 18+ night. We had a really good time. I got in for five dollars instead of the seven I was supposed to have been charged, and the crowd was both older and gayer than the kids at the Masquerade. The venue was a lot smaller, which was cool, and we danced in the middle of the crowd. We both got more assertive when men tried to dance with us, though Lottie got cornered by a "rap star" in the drinking room. I am not yet rude, but I am direct. I do not want to dance with boys at these clubs, and typically when I slid my eyes away at this venue, they left me alone. I had one guy who came up and asked me if he and his friend could dance with us, and I told him no for me and to ask Lottie, but I guess he decided not to risk more rejection. Lottie danced with some boy whose friend tried to dance with me, but I shook my head, told him, "No, thank you," and danced by myself. At one point, they had this awesome rap beat, and I danced like the little Memphian fiend I am, but most of it was slow techno. If there were gay girls there, they were partnered, so I left them alone. I am not assertive enough to approach girls of questionable sexual orientation at a club. I might not be assertive enough to approach lesbians at a club, either, but I don't know since the one lesbian bar in town is 21+. Ah, the advantages of youth.

We crashed until late, and then awoke to clean before our new housemate Trevor moved in and Devon, my friend from high school, came to stay for the weekend. Devon hung around with me and Lottie on Friday, and we went to the grocery store and made Trevor a key and probably watched a movie or something. I couldn't go to sleep, and instead chatted with Jess for two hours about her recent breakup with her girlfriend.

Saturday, Kyle arrived. I went to work and got off two hours early with Amanda in tow. We went to Pride and spent twenty minutes trying to find Jess, whereupon we left Pride and went to the Vortex for dinner. After a two hour wait for our table, I ate some really fucking delicious veggie chili over tater tots. (Mmm, life as a vegan. Then I felt like shit.) By Saturday, I was feeling a little overwhelmed, and by Sunday I wanted everybody gone and many hours to myself. I have come to realize that I am a control freak. I don't want to control other people, but I want my schedule to be on my terms, and I don't like entertaining people for long periods of time. So I have decided to limit the houseguests. Plus Lottie was a little cranky.

Sunday I was definitely in a funk. We all dragged ourselves out of bed really early to meet Amanda at the transit station. She doesn't have a cell phone, or I would have postponed. We went to Pride, but no one was there; we went to Midtown, where the parade was starting, and found where they had been hiding. The parade was hella fun but we got hella wet. It started to sprinkle as the policemen took off to start the parade, and then it was downpouring through most of it. We left before the end and went home and showered and ate. Devon's car wouldn't start, so I went to work while she and Kyle figured that out. She left town once Kyle jumped her off. After work, my coworker Rob, Amanda, Kyle, Lottie and I went to Soul Vegetarian, which was really good and relatively well-priced, then we traded Amanda for Trevor and went home to drink. Or, more accurately, so the three boys could pair off and leave one out and Lottie could drink and then go to bed and I could go in my room, shut my door, relax, read, and call my mother.

In conclusion: I had fun, but I don't like people staying at my house; I need to clean our house; and Trevor is a tunnel spider who captured Kyle before he left.

Lottie and I are planning to affix a sign reading: WARNING: TUNNEL SPIDER to let all the young men and women know not to tread too close to the litter box and TV framing his door, lest they be taken in and sexed.

Where are the lesbian tunnel spiders, I would like to know.

I miss my school. I miss being able to call Ramika and Molly to consume crappy dinner. I miss seeing less close friends at dinner and getting caught up on what they have going on. I miss classes like nobody's business. I miss "I can't, I have to write my paper" and "Fuck it, forget about the paper, let's drink/go out/eat/smoke/watch a movie." I miss my professors. I miss the campus. I miss intellectual conversations. I miss living a few hundred feet away from my friends and smoking outside in the cold and Chi Phi and watching movies in groups. I miss the love-to-hate students who can't intellectualize anything worth shit. I miss feminist rhetoric and listening to Ramika say "I haven't slept." I miss the community of a really small college. I miss free DVD rentals in the library and other people's awesome dorm rooms.

I'm looking forward to living with Molly, Ramika, and Grace; not dating on campus; having the experience of a year of college and a summer of living totally on my own under my belt; the sense of being comfortable in school and remembering things from the year before; the lack of panic I felt my freshman year; having more incentive to make higher grades; the possibility of internships; growing closer to my friends; making new friends; being able to develop more into myself without the mental constraints of my past. Also, hopefully a bright shiny juicer.

(I will blog about Pride when I am not totally and utterly gayed out.)

I'm awake and cannot for the life of me go to sleep. Devon's here, and so are Lottie and Trevor, and I'm lonely.

Jess and Cathryn broke up today, making me sad for both of them, childishly satisfied because I predicted this would happen while Lauretta said she thought they'd stay together, and goddammit interested because now the only two real lesbians I know are now single.

I cannot fucking get my mind off Lauretta. I don't know why.

Lottie was talking about inaccessible people to date and I realized that is how everyone I have dated has been. No one has been as bad as, say, Ennis from Brokeback Mountain or anything (another thing we discussed). I wonder if their mystery is intriguing and powerful to me; is that why I date people like that?

I wrote a post awhile ago, on a different blog, detailing what I thought I was looking for in a lover. I like leaders; I like computer nerds (or, at least, thought I did); I like intelligent people; I like women who have their own lives but make room for me; I like surprises and gifts; I like women who are proud of who they are and are comfortable showing affection; I like to "talk about it"; I like women who refer to our relationship in the future, recognizing that we are both willing and loyal but aren't yoked together if insurmountable issues arise; I like people who have interesting hobbies and likes/dislikes that are different (but not contradictory) to my own. I like people who have their shit together and I like athletes and I like femme or tomboyish girls and I like women who aren't ashamed of their bodies or what they can do to mine.

I am just not sure if I like the idea of getting involved with someone when I'm thinking about Portland and San Francisco and graduate school and London and Ireland and studying abroad. I want to be stable enough to be single, but I'm not sure how lonely that will be. I wish I can attain the grace and stability to take advantage of all of these wonderful opportunities I have in my life right now, and not be paralyzed by fear or uncertainty.

I want that freedom, but I'd give up traveling in a heartbeat for a lover. I'd change the course of my life for a serious relationship. And I want to see who I become with all of these experiences, because I find myself growing exponentially with the challenges I face now.

Goals! It is good to have goals.

Due to waiting too long to eat, I have consumed food for several hours this evening and have decided this is probably not the healthiest way to eat my meals. In fact, I know it is not, so that is my first goal: eat at least three meals throughout the day.

Also!

Read at least two books a week (one at least marginally intellectual, if not downright literature. Shudder, gasp, etc. I am an English major so I enjoy books immensely, but sometimes it's too hard to pull my being out of the interwebs.

Go to spin class at least 3x/week. Even if that crappy instructor is there.

Those are my goals. Pretty simple, huh? Oh, and one more: Don't think about L.

Mmkay! Lot and I have taken it upon ourselves to watch a movie before we go to sleep at night, so maybe I can expand my mental movie cache, since apparently I do not sit in front of the television as much as my peers. (I stare at the computer screen instead.) The selection for tonight was Bound, the lesbian mob crime drama. I was in the mood for something dark and am glad we watched Bound instead of Constantine, which always puts me in a slightly melancholy mood. I saved Brokeback Mountain for tomorrow at work (my job is awesome). I'm not much into boy-on-boy action, though I used to be pretty into it when I was younger, but I really like Brokeback Mountain. Serve up the angst and I'm there, apparently. Plus I think the two actors are brilliant in their roles. I'm not as fond of the director, no matter how much they rave about him on the DVD extras--the first shot I saw of the movie, I thought "Oh shit, this is gonna be boring." And it's true, the story lags--it's based on a short story that's all of thirty pages--but the subsequent times, I have really liked it. So that's on the agenda for tomorrow. Juno's coming via Netflix tomorrow, which interfers slightly with the "forgetting L" part of the goal, but I really like the movie, so I'll just have to work on it.

Also, after reading some of e. e. cumming's other works (or rereading, as the case may be), I have decided on the Buffalo Bill tattoo. We went over mostly the stylistic aspects of the poem in class, and I don't know much about the old cowboy movies, so I looked up an analysis on the poem, and it basically gave me information on Buffalo Bill. Despite the fact I have no interest in cowboys, the poem represents much more than that to me. I'm going to read through this book as well--I haven't actually gone all the way through it, and Lyle bought it for me when he went to visit Portland because I mentioned e. e. cummings was my favorite poet. So that is sort of a sweet memory I have of him.

We are getting an additional housemate this week. I am not particularly happy about this just because it means another body in our small house, but I do like the guy, so hopefully he will be a good addition. He is pretty chill, but we will probably make him live out of the small fridge since we do not hold with that eating meat nonsense.

1) What were you doing 10 years ago:
Seeing as how I was nine, probably reading a book, and not much else. Since it's summer, I was probably at the beach sometime in July.

2)What are the five things at the top of your "to do" list:

a) Get new tires for my car.
b) Shave my legs. (Shut up.)
c) Clean my room.
d) Figure out how to cram three extra people in our house for Pride.
e) Get Saturday off work to go to Pride.

3) What are five snacks you enjoy:

Currently:
a) Guacamole
b) Hummus
c) Trader Joe's Cherry Chocolate soy ice cream
d) Raw cashews
e) Tortilla chips

4) Name some things you would do if you were a millionaire:
Pay for my siblings' college
Pay for my parents' retirement
Pay off my car
Pay for grad school/my undergrad dorm fees
Donate the rest to organizations supporting women in middle eastern countries, and also to animal shelters in America

5) Name some places you have lived:
Memphis, Nashville, Atlanta

6) Name some bad habits you have:
Worrying too much, keeping my anger to myself

7) Name some jobs you've had:
Babysitter, nanny, Kid's Clubhouse worker, Nursery worker, Teen Center worker, grocery bagger, Moe's Southwestern Grill bitch, cashier

I'm caught off guard by how quickly time is moving. It's July already, for Christssakes. I looked through my picture albums when I was living in my freshman dorm and felt like it was such a long time ago. Part of it--probably a large part--is thinking of L, because most of the time I lived there, I was dating her (or fantasizing about dating her). So thinking about my freshman year either evokes strong memories of panic, loneliness, and fear (and Lyle), or happy cold smoking kissing sleeping times with L. And, you know, the two weeks where I couldn't do anything but chain smoke and have my heart rate elevated for several days (no joke) when I was afraid she was gonna break up with me, the night she did break up with me, the problems we had being broken up, that weekend in May...

After one month passed after our breakup, I was sleeping in her bed. The next month, I wasn't even in the same state, so I guess that's progress. We were supposed to get together last Tuesday before I left and she totally blew me off. I texted her today and she was supposedly "giving me space." I am not certain whether this means she thinks I need space, or that she does. It occured to me that I have spent the past six months of my life somehow tangled up with this girl, and, honestly, for most of those months, the tangles have been fun, but not anymore.

Every time I get out of a relationship (and I know this happens to the majority of people), I try to look different, act differently, evaluate my life considering just me and not someone else. So far, the physical changes have involved me losing about ten pounds (due to stress and living with a raw vegan and having more time for spin class... all unrelated things) and cutting off most of my hair. I've also been looking at tattoos, and right now I know I want paw prints on my left foot, and am strongly considering e. e. cumming's "Buffalo Bill" between my shoulder blades. That poem introduced me to intellectualism, to put it broadly--the first time I really listened to a poem was in that classroom with Mary Molinary at a summer college program in Memphis. It was incredible. It started my love affair with literature and poetry. It symbolizes my appreciation for academia. And I've never heard of or seen another person with that particular poem tattooed on his or her body, though certainly some might exist (and this isn't a huge deal for me--the reason I picked the paw prints is because I saw a picture of somebody else with the same tattoo).

I am also wondering where I want to live when I graduate from school. Considering that will (hopefully) be eight years from now, it's not a huge concern, but I am thinking about where I'd like to end up in grad school. Visiting with my family made me realize how much I'll miss out on Ian's life if I move really far away, and even my sister's life. I'd like to be close to her as she experiences young adult life. I'm not sure what is feasible and what is not, but I am taking all things under consideration. Also, I have always lived in the suburbs and I do not like suburbia. My short-term housing goal, once I am out of the dorm, is to live within walking distance of grocery stores/other establishments. (This will also help me get in shape because hello produce is heavy.) I have also been thinking about going abroad. When I first got to Atlanta, the thought of even that was way too overwhelming to think about going to another country to study, ever, but I think it would be a very interesting experience, and I would probably gain something positive from it. Not sure what, but I am in favor of positive somethings. So I am thinking of Ireland and London (Oxford!) and possibly Scotland. The Dropkick Murphys and Mallory Davis's interest in Ireland has strangely influenced me. I think it would be cool to go somewhere my ancestors left. And I know that if I am in a relationship, I won't go. So I will have to see about this. (I am getting lonely but I ain't there yet.) But I am happy that I am considering it when a few months ago I was dead set against it. I have changed quite a bit in the last few months, though.

My mom gave me a really nice compliment as I was packing to leave her house (by "packing" I mean "throwing clothes and books and toiletries into the laundry basket I used as a suitcase"). She said, "Your father and I are really proud of you paying your own bills and being on your own. When we left, I didn't worry at all about you taking care of Ian." That made me feel good. I think when I first announced my plans to stay here, my mother felt a little abandoned, which was understandable. I was flattered that she (nortrious worrier) didn't spare a thought of worry about my ability handle whatever situation might arise (and trust me, they gave me power of attorney over both of my siblings--she thinks of everything). Before they left, I commented that I was glad I came because, with Ian's broken finger, it would be good for an adult to be around in case something came up. I'm not signing up for the parenting gig anytime soon, but I can succesfully put my needs aside to care for an almost five-year-old for a weekend. I have discovered that is basically what an adult is: someone who does shit they don't necessarily want to do, but need to do in order to keep food on the table and the roaches off the table and the utility bill paid and the kids happy. Living on my own has pushed me leaps and bounds to do these things. There's even a marked difference between when I came home for Christmas and this past weekend. My secret is that I never much liked being a kid and despite the breakups and high rent and roaches (did I mention those?) and fleas and loneliness and challenge, I really quite like being on the path to being an adult.

Interesting time reviewing my former literary attempts on Mom and Dad's old computer tonight. Underneath all of that morbid overdramatic brainwashed life-or-death bullshit, I saw real potential. Not, oh goddess, the new feminist literary genius! but something real. One of my later poems was really interesting, and even some of my earlier melodrama had the makings of something groovy, if caught in incestuous self-mutilation. (Any wonder I was so depressed?)

This is fortuitous timing, considering I was thinking back on a concept I wrote about in high school. It's straightforward (haha), the premise being simply what it would be like to be persecuted for being straight rather than gay. Just to let the breeders dip their toes a little deeper into our pond. I thought about the reasoning behind that (the world is immensely overpopulated, and the government had decreed some sort of halt on all breeding except government-sanctified attempts--a little borrowing from The Handmaiden and my dirty hippie environmentalist on that acccount), and why that would fuel people's prejudices much like the religious reasons; a blind hatred of something the fictional gays felt would destroy them. Just something I'm thinking about. It could be this really cool, organic piece, or regurgitated preaching. Who knows! (p.s. to nobody who reads this: I am aware this is intellectual property and if you should somehow make money off it I will of course claim it as my own, for I am a poor college student with a working knowledge of the law.)

I'm also thinking of meditation, working on my chi. For reasons that were brought up as I searched through my old folders on the computer today, I have Deep Issues with the concept of chi, but hopefully simplifying it to just that will be good for my sanity. Just Meditation. Self.

Mom and Dad are coming back home in a few minutes, and I have sucessfully cleaned the entire mess I have made since arriving. I don't know why I am in this sudden funk of not cleaning up after myself, but God help the grime when people come to visit. I will laze about in filth for days and weeks, but the second I know someone is coming (and especially when they actually are present in my living space) I become an unstoppable cleaning freak. The nasty dishes and resulting stains from banana peels and strawberries were scrubbed away as I chatted to Ashley.

Must learn how to channel this passion in the absence of company.

It's day three of staying at my parents' house, and I've had a really great time. Thursday night I hung out with my parents for a little while until they headed off to catch their plane, and then my siblings and I got to spend some time together. Michelle drove and we went to the gas station, Target, Whole Foods, and had dinner at Las Palmas. Then Ian and I watched part of A Bug's Life. He went to bed and Michelle and I watched Sweeney Todd.

On Friday, I woke up early and took Ian to the YMCA. (Michelle left at six in the morning to go to her Jesus camp.) I had a great time in spin class (in no small part owing to the fact I could see myself in the mirror from the side--very cool when I am contracting all of my muscles on a bike ride--and also because at this YMCA we pedal towards the kiddie pool instead of a mirror). Ian said he had a good time with the Y kids, and I took him to Starbucks, where he bought a marble loaf. We headed to Kroger to stock up on vegan food (of which there is a pronounced lack in this house), and then saw Wall E, which was adorable. We came back and watched Mr. Magnorium's Emporium, and went to sleep.

Saturday, we chilled out and watched a lot of Star Wars and I napped. That evening, we ate at Moe's and checked out some books at Borders. I think I found what I am going to give Ian for his birthday there. Mom said that she had a lot of fun at the concert, but her stomach is acting up. She is about to go through menopause and apparently that is not treating her well. Also, Mom and Dad have been walking quite a lot around Vegas, and neither one of them are used to moving around that much. Dad's phone went swimming in the toilet the first night they got there, so a large chunk of their Friday was spent perusing phones at the AT&T store. Apparently we are all of the end of our two year contracts, and Mom, Dad and I all got new phones. Also, the woman that was helping them said the reason why I can never transfer data on my phone (get pictures, download ringtones, etc) is because my SIM card was really old and didn't support those functions. So now I can get much better ringtones, which is pretty exciting.

Today was another low-key day. Ian and I lounged around until noon, when Ashley got here. My cousin grew up in Atlanta and has since moved to Nashville, and as such, she has a very different view of what transpired after her mom moved away from Memphis. I learned some disturbing dirty-laundry stuff about our family that I sort of want to ask my parents about; they've hinted at it, but I thought their hints meant it didn't really happen. Now I think they just didn't want to eleborate. But other than that, we had really good conversations about her experiences in college and how her wreck helped her to grow up and take responsibilty for her life. I finally got to tell her about being attracted to women, which always makes me feel more comfortable because I don't have to change pronouns or make up stuff, which I really hate doing for obvious reasons. She was pretty cool about it (I talked about my sex life in my previous relationship) despite saying that she wasn't totally comfortable with homosexuality. We talked about relationships, our parents, where we want to be, with whom we want to be, our freshman years in college, all kinds of stuff. Now that I've moved out, I kinda feel like we're on similar levels in our life. She's twenty-six and has experienced more life than I have, but I think we've both grown a lot from the experiences we have had. We talked about Matthew, my brother who died after my mom carried him for six months, and it was interesting to see how that had affected the other part of my family as well.

I won't be too disappointed if I don't return home for a few days. I've been living off my parents' money and seeing lots of family and friends. I am pretty happy here.

I am typing this with Candace in my lap. She is licking my arm and hands. Apparently I am delicious.

I am also lonely and glad she is here. Lottie headed out to Athfest this weekend and left me all alone. I am starting to suck at being a single person, something I never have worried about before. I guess with my family in a different state and my friends flung out over the city and busy with their own lives, I just wish there were someone always available for me. I don't have a best friend, another sort of foreign concept to me.

I had to take Candace to adoptions today, and she went right into her carrier (courtesy of advice from Kim, the trainer at work), and then proceeded to cry most of the way to PetSmart, and then shake when I put her in the cage so people could see her and adopt her. I felt like a devil bitch dropping off her first child at kindergarten. Luckily Candace forgave me, and she is being much more touchy feely than she usually is. Poor baby. I want to adopt her so badly. I would also like a permanent place to live, but I haven't figured out where that is yet, so no cats or bulky furniture.

Next weekend I am going to Nashville to take care of Ian, my baby brother, and I am super excited about that. I asked him what he wanted to do while I was there, and he promptly responded, "Go to Starbucks!" The kid is addicted. It won't be my money that pays for his three dollar drink, though, so I said sure. I am going to live on the tofu created by the people who work at the Asian place near my parents' house. It is super food.

In other news, I bought V for Vendetta and have been pigging out since Thursday. Hopefully I will drag my ass to spin class tomorrow.

I have decided that I will never live alone.

Last night RM and I looked up llamas, dogs, and alpacas on the web. Candace was not happy at the prospect of a foster sister (we don't have penises in our house, not until Chris and Trevor come in the fall, anyway), and ignored us. Most of the animals we looked at were friggin' adorable. There was one Great Dane/boxer mix that I wanted to adopt, regardless. So cute.

In other news, I'm heading to my parents' house next weekend to babysit my brother. The RM is leaving for a festival in her hometown this weekend, which will be sad. I've been missing LW, which is bad news bears.

I looked at Portland personals today (not Craigslist) and have decided to move there. At least until I find the San Francisco personals and decide to move there instead.

Someone knocked off their right SUV mirror on our neighbor's mailbox yesterday night and didn't even slow down. We found it in our yard this morning.

I made cookies last night from a box. Bad fuckin' idea. They forced me to eat another one when I woke up. I think I will throw them away when I return home, which will be very late since I am covering for Doofus from six to ten.

Oh money.

Lately I have been obsessing over tattoos.

True Colors Tour

...was incredible! Definitely my favorite concert so far, not that I've been to a lot of them. We had wonderful seats (with a table!) on the left side of the amphitheater, probably less than two hundred feet from the stage. It was awesome. RM, LW, RG, KB, and my friend AP from work came and it was a wonderful experience. First the Cliks played. I had never heard of them before, but the lead singer had this amazing deep voice and all of the band members were smokin' hot. Then Tegan and Sara played, and they did "Living Room" and "Nineteen." The former is my favorite song of theirs, and the latter was sort of awkward because it was sort of me and LW's song, but it was still very cool to see Tegan and Sara live; I have been trying to do that ever since I missed their November concert with Northern State last year.

Roise O'Donnell was fucking amazing, although I wish she hadn't talked about her dead mom so much; it wasn't her usual stand-up fare and it also sounded a little rehearsed (not that the emotion wasn't there, it definitely was). But I got to see her in person! Also Carson Kressley, who hosted, was two rows down from us at one point, and we could see this small wave of people running from the center and right parts of the theater to go mob him. Fun times!

One of the most amusing things was the table in front of us. There were four gay men and a straight woman (who I dubbed Grace). Carson was talking about how all the gay men brought their tablecloths and flowers and candles--which they definitely did--and how the dykes did not--we definitely did not. (While he was saying this, the gay men in front of us jokingly put their flowers on our empty table.) We brought a grocery bag of chips and a pink cooler with a breast cancer sticker on it, full of hard cider, water, gucamole, and celery. The people in front of us brought, in addition to their candles, flowers, and tablecloth, a five course meal, complete with shrimp, rich people crackers, coleslaw, salad, this stuff that looked disturbingly like raw chicken meat. For dessert, they had brownies and strawberries with expensive liquor. They consumed the latter right before the B52's got going, and then proceeded to dance like crazy people, especially the Asian man in striped shorts. These were definitely executive homosexuals.

I wondered why Tegan and Sara and the Cliks didn't get more applause until I looked around and realized that we were some of the youngest people in attendance. Props to my dad for all of the really great music we listened to growing up.

Anyway, the B-52's were fucking incredible. I think everyone really came to see them; again with the older generation. But everyone at the table (except LW and KB, who left after Tegan and Sara, the bitches, they couldn't handle not smoking) loved them. RM looked a little tired, but she still said she had fun. AP was bouncing out of her seat, and RG and I just sort of swayed in our seats.

Also, BM, my employer, went to the concert. I had thought that she was much more conservative than she actually is; she actually liked Rosie. And gay events are, well, REALLY GAY. And I quite enjoy that about them. There's something really cool about being with an enormous group of gay people.

In conclusion, the Cliks are my new favorite band and I would like to have sex with their lead singer, Lucas.

What a fuckin' weird night.

My roommate (RM) decided that she wanted to go to this 18 and up indie dance night at a music venue downtown. I was tired and therefore opted to take a nap before we went, which proved to the be smartest decision I made all night.

We used my GPS to take us to the club, which was a problem, because it thought that we wanted to go to a different road with the same name. It took us seven exits south of where we actually needed to go, and led us through a sketchy crack neighborhood straight into a dead end behind a warehouse. Luckily we were not shot, and luckily I waited until today to put my HRC sticker on my hatchback, a fact RM pointed out with no small amount of relief. She thought the people milling around outside at midnight would have thought processes somewhat like, "Mm, lesbians. Let's kill 'em."

So we went back on the interstate and got off at the exit I had looked up on Google Maps earlier. This time, we were able to somewhat successfully navigate to the club, park, and go inside.

I will preface the rest of this post by mentioning two important things: I gave RM my keys, and left my money and cellphone inside my car. This proved to be the stupidest move I made all night. Also, this was a scenester/indie night, and there were no gay girls to be found. I mean, there were girls dancing together, but I'm pretty sure the actual lesbian population (ALP) was about two. (The other one set off my gaydar like crazy but wasn't my type.) Also I spent a lot of the night wishing my ex were there.

She did make somewhat of an appearance. RM found this cute little boy to dance with, and she appeared to be having a great time as a result of the music and the hard cider she consumed. Then I lost her for about two hours, and totally flipped my shit The DJ came off the stage to ask me if I was okay and bought me a water and called for her to come on the stage (and hugged me, I think to feel my boobs, but I wasn't going to turn down help). I asked the outside bouncer if I could go search the parking lot. Nothing. I checked the women's bathroom twice, wandered around outside, and by 2:45 (15 minutes before the club closed), I was officially freaked out. I thought that she might be getting raped, because she's not really the kind of girl to have sex with someone an hour after meeting them, and I was sure that she would have told me if she were going outside.

So eventually, after turning over a million scenerios in my head about what I could do if I couldn't find RM, I found a nice guy willing to let me use his cellphone, and called my ex, LW. She was the only person whose number I had memorized, and I'd be damned if I called my mother at two in the morning to ask her for a number. I had been holding it together, but when I called her, I flipped out. I woke her up, but she was calm and told me that she would call RM and ask her to go to the front of the club. I hung up and sort of trembled, then LW called me back and assured me that RM was coming and everything was groovy.

RM told me that she had forgotten I didn't have my phone was with me, and the guy turned out to be a skeeze who just wanted to fuck her. She was in the parking lot, and she said that she kept telling him she needed to go back in the club because she left me there by myself. (I agreed.) "I couldn't figure out why you weren't calling me!" she said, looking embarrassed. "And he was a total douchebag."

We got home at four, I made a flowchart about the kind of people we should date, and we went to sleep watching 10 Things I Hate About You.

Today the sweethearts at the water company turned off our water again. RM thinks this is because when we got it turned on when they did this last week, we didn't wait for them to turn it on. Instead, we utilized our handy-dandy neighbors. I think this was far more efficient, but they obviously disagreed. Whatever. I can shower at the Y. We still have power (but no Internet, which actually does suck. Given the choice, I would rather go without water than Internet. Both at the same time is just cruel.)

We had Not-Grey's last night (the replacement for Grey's Thursdays). We watched Some Like It Hot and I fell in love with Marilyn Monroe. Not really. I wanted to give her a copy of Cunt or something. My ex, LW, showed up, for about two hours. I responded this to getting pretty tipsy on hard cider and being way too honest in our follow-up seeing-each-other text messaging session. I'm pretty sure you have to spend most of your waking hours not thinking about your ex to actually be over them. I'm working up to it. My friend KB came, too, and it was good to see her. AR brought a cookie cake and a bag of tootsie rolls, which are now at the bottom of our pantry. RM and I were going to H&M today, big opening and such, before the water incident. On our message board in the kitchen, I told her how excited I was that we were going. She responded by asking me if we could bring Jesus and wtf we were going to do with the (non vegan, non gluten free) tootsie rolls of which we are now in charge. We are planning on thrusting them at the next non vegan who walks in the door.

Holy shit we have internet AND water.

I am one spoiled girl.


A is for your age:
19

B is for your burger of choice:
Gucamole veggie burger from Hudson's Grille. Orgasm. In. My. Mouth. Though it would probably make me sick now.

C is for the car that you drive:
Scion xA.

D is for dog's name:
You must mean cat. Her name is Candace and she is my foster kitty and I am falling in love with her.

E is for an essential item you use each day:
Baby 2.0, my iPod. If I had to drive around all day without her, I would cry.

F is for your favorite television show:
Grey's Anatomy, currently airing. Best show of all time is, of course, Buffy.

G is for favorite game:
Hitting Candace's quiet button (located on the top of her head, used to make her stop meowing at us).

H is for hometown:
Memphis, TN.

I is for instruments played:
Piano and guitar. I played the first for six years and the second for maybe three months. I am equally horrible at both of them.

J is for favorite juice:
Kale and apple juice. Delicious and nutritious.

K is for what you'd like to kick:
My water company for turning off my water again.

L is for last restaurant you dined at:
I am a vegan college student... I think J. Alexander's, where my parents paid for my veggie burger. (Incidentally my second-favorite veggie burger, but you didn't ask that.)

M is for your favorite muppet:
Whichever one has long hair and looks really stoned. I may be making it up, or possibly talking about all of them.

N is for number of piercings you have:
Eight.

O is for overnight hospital stays:
Never. It's 'pensive.

P is for people you were with today:
Mary, Michelle, Michelle's friend, various people at Kroger, Target, Suntrust, and Blockbuster, Lottiekins.

Q is for what you do in quiet times:
Spend it on the internet, of course. If people are coming over, I will morph into a cleaner demon.

R is for regrets:
Christ. Being so horrible to my family when I was depressed and deluded.
Picking bad situations (not necessarily people) for my relationships.
Cassie.
However, I feel that all of these experiences have made me into who I am today, and I am pretty groovy with myself.

S is for status:
Single, recently out of a relationship.

T is for time you woke up today:
7:45, to pick up Mary. I fell asleep on the couch (purposefully) after drinking a hard cider and getting rather tipsy.

U is for what you consider unique:
Good paranormal novels. Go to the shelves at Borders. You'll know what I mean.

V is for favorite vegetable:
Mmm veggies in my mouth. Kale if it's in apple juice, baby greens when they are in a delicious salad, Lottie's dehydrated squash... the list goes on.

W is for your worst habit:
Committing to do something I have absolutely no intention of doing. (I consulted my mother in my head before writing this.)

X is for x-rays you have had:
Nary a one, unless you count teeth x-rays. I would guess under 10.

Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Yummy granola and soy yogurt, yummy blueberry bagel with butter, Zen soy banana pudding. Huh. Tonight I should eat something non-processed. But they were all yummy, indeed.

Z is for zodiac sign:
Capricorn. Which always makes me think of candy corn.

I'm at home alone, and it's starting to storm. Candace is lying on the loveseat, watching the cars speed by. The Be Good Tanyas are singing their awesome mellow love songs. My tummy is happy with frozen banana/chocolate soy milk pseudo-ice cream. I need to go get Mary from Lovett in about an hour, but otherwise, I'm relaxed. RM, my lovely hippie raw foodist housemate, is either babysitting or in a bookstore.

I feel like this summer is going to be one I really enjoy and want to remember, hence the beginning of this blog.

I love living on my own as a young adult. I was always the kid who wanted to be older, and now I'm trying to slow down and appreciate where I am.

Green smoothies.
Comfy, $75 Goodwill couches.
Foster kitty.
Little broken house.
Being single.
Having awesome friends.
Living with an amazing housemate.
Spin class.
Making $425 a week as a nanny for teens.
Queer as Folk marathons.
Birds in the chimney.

It's going by so quickly.