I don't write as much as I need to. I think writing's important. A generation of queer ladies have helped me realize myself via blogs, and while I don't think anyone reads this now, it's important for me to see from where I come. I've disassociated from my past--which probably is a good thing--but I tend to recall myself as silly. Naive. Inferior. I am usually the first two things but not the third. My new experiences do not make me superior to my old self. I am me because those things happened and I reacted in those ways.

With that said, I babysat until 4:15 a.m. last night (this morning?). I sat shivering in their driveway for at least five minutes, without a coat, wishing that my car would heat up sooner and melt the thin sheen of ice on my windshield. Everything in my car was cold. I made it home just past 5:00 a.m. When I walked into the building a drunk guy upset the cigarette trash can and then told me I was hot. I went upstairs and stared at myself in the bathroom and then climbed (literally) into bed. I couldn't sleep. My body was exhausted and my mind would not stop flitting from one thought to another. I fell asleep and dreamed about my ex. I woke up freezing. I dreamed about her again and woke up. I dreamed about crazy things. I woke up and peed. I dreamed that I went into an art store before my shift at the gym and they offered me a job and I bought a piece of art work separated into five pieces, with a big one on the left of bananas, and four smaller ones on the right. One was a weird drawing of an odd couple. I woke up, got ready, and went to the Publix. The line was too long to deposit my paychecks, so I went to work and came back. I ordered Chinese and it was delicious. I bought soy pudding at Publix and that was pretty excellent as well. I took Amanda to the train station and went to babysit. I played hide and seek with the girls, and I Spy. We colored on their chalkboard. S bit my clothes and put on my shirt and in general was crazy like she always is. They pulled down my shirt and wanted to see my breasts. I told them no ma'am. We watched The Backyardigans and iCarly and then they went to sleep. C was up coughing for a good part of the night and I was watching The DaVinci Code so it was a little scary to walk upstairs to check on her but I did it anyway. Their moms came home ten minutes into To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. We talked--it's always fun to talk with them. We share the same politics and parenting viewpoints and sexuality. I enjoy being around adults. We graduated to hugging today. I see this going good places.

R is not here and I miss her. My knees ache a little bit. I am worried about the pressure in the back of my head. My mom has been looking up camera details for forever and we discussed which one I should get. I am excited about Christmas and looking forward to going home to see my family. Couchsurfing is looking more and more a possibility since L hasn't gotten back to me yet. Ah well! I can always ask B or perhaps the lady who lives in Kennesaw. (...hopefully not!)

To Do List on the First Sunday Since the Beginning of the Semester I Have Had Zero Requirements to Put My Body in a Certain Place at a Certain Time for Money

~laundry
~clean room
~do dishes
~spin at 4:45
~write poems for Monday
~call to confirm couchsurfing
~giftswap! wrap dem gifts.
~try on spin shoes at REI

Monday will be my poem turn-in. Tuesday I find out if I got Assistant Editor-in-Chief, and possibly some grades, and I have to leave the dorm by 11 a.m. (But no check-out! God bless my nonconfrontational ex.) Wednesday I find out the rest of my grades (yikes) and hopefully have somewhere to stay. I only need a place for eight or nine days... surely I can figure out something.

the parking lot is looking a bit empty...