I'm awake and cannot for the life of me go to sleep. Devon's here, and so are Lottie and Trevor, and I'm lonely.

Jess and Cathryn broke up today, making me sad for both of them, childishly satisfied because I predicted this would happen while Lauretta said she thought they'd stay together, and goddammit interested because now the only two real lesbians I know are now single.

I cannot fucking get my mind off Lauretta. I don't know why.

Lottie was talking about inaccessible people to date and I realized that is how everyone I have dated has been. No one has been as bad as, say, Ennis from Brokeback Mountain or anything (another thing we discussed). I wonder if their mystery is intriguing and powerful to me; is that why I date people like that?

I wrote a post awhile ago, on a different blog, detailing what I thought I was looking for in a lover. I like leaders; I like computer nerds (or, at least, thought I did); I like intelligent people; I like women who have their own lives but make room for me; I like surprises and gifts; I like women who are proud of who they are and are comfortable showing affection; I like to "talk about it"; I like women who refer to our relationship in the future, recognizing that we are both willing and loyal but aren't yoked together if insurmountable issues arise; I like people who have interesting hobbies and likes/dislikes that are different (but not contradictory) to my own. I like people who have their shit together and I like athletes and I like femme or tomboyish girls and I like women who aren't ashamed of their bodies or what they can do to mine.

I am just not sure if I like the idea of getting involved with someone when I'm thinking about Portland and San Francisco and graduate school and London and Ireland and studying abroad. I want to be stable enough to be single, but I'm not sure how lonely that will be. I wish I can attain the grace and stability to take advantage of all of these wonderful opportunities I have in my life right now, and not be paralyzed by fear or uncertainty.

I want that freedom, but I'd give up traveling in a heartbeat for a lover. I'd change the course of my life for a serious relationship. And I want to see who I become with all of these experiences, because I find myself growing exponentially with the challenges I face now.